Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
