Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
