just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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