Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
