Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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