I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
