I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
