I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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