I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
