I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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