Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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