I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
