My brain says no but my pants say off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
