Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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