I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
