maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
