On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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