dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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