Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
