he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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