i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
someone owes me an orgasm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
