Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
