My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
