Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
