i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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