So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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