Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
the liver wants what the liver wants
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
