The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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