Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
