Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize