1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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