Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
