i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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