Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
