She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
