fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
then he tried to convert me to islam
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
