i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
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