If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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