the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
