you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
