Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize