I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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