Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
