i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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