are you still at the devil's house?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
