It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
