I accidentally had phone sex last night
Someone shit on the floor
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
