I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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