He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
