the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
