Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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