And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
