Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
