I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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