And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize