I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
