there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
