Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need a beard to bite.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
