I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
