Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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