eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
