oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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