it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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