There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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