I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
