need another drink. this is the easiest way
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
